Dear diary;

That’s it. I’m sitting on my boyfriends bed writing some random stuff that I hope I will read in a few years. Today is january 17th, now it’s around 7pm and I’m working from home today because I have the flu and my boss believes it is coronavirus. I mean, I would know the difference, right?

Why am I writing this in english, you may ask. Well, I do not know, but I find this a better way to express myself at this moment.

Life is great right now, I mean, we are the MIDDLE of a pandemia, so it could be so much worst. Nobody from my family got the virus yet, my sister already got vaccinated and we are all as healthy as we could be. I’m living at Arthur’s for a while now, it’s been actualy a year, I guess.

Right at this moment I feel like I dont belong anywhere. My old room at home is being occupied by my mom and her stuff, even tho most of my clothes and decoration are still there. Here, I kinda feel at home, but not completely, you know? I dont have the privacy or the space to put all of my stuff, so most of the time I just feel like I dont have a place to call my own, and thats definitely true.

I am about to complete 2 years at my job as a reporter, you know, that first job I got when I started college and stuff. I like it, its not my dream job or anything, but it keeps me going, pay the bills and makes me ‘happy’ at the end of the day.

I miss my family very much. Not spending this little time I have with them really kills me. But it just feels like moving backwards if I decide to go back home now. It would definily be like moving backwards. And we both know I dont want that.

Some days, most of them to be honest, are hard to be me. I am my own devil, always pushing too far, always saying that I’m not good enough and always letting myself down. I give up of things and I’m not proud of that. I’m not recording videos anymore, not taking pictures, I literaly just gave up… after my amazing boyfriend bought me a ring light, new batterys for my camera (that I already lost) and all this sh*t. Maybe when I read this one day I will back in action, famous maybe, who knows?

I keep thinking that things will change when I graduate and move out of the country. But is it really true? Or just a way of running away from the serious things I have to deal with as an adult? I dont feel like here is where I belong, even tho my family is here and they are my EVERTYTHING.

Well, as you can see, being 23 is not at all easier than it was being 17 or 18, when I remember freaking out about life… now I HAVE TO MAKE IT. Wow, I know I got this, you know? I’m strong, intelligent, determined and really stubborn. I know I will make it. Where? Dont ask me, but I hope somewhere cool.

This is Fernanda 2.3, straight from 2021 to the future. Hope we are doing nice. Bye.